Banishing the “Should Monster”

Strap in sweeties! I’m about to get very personal and you may feel attacked, please trust that it is done with love! There is something severely missing in our society, especially, within the American culture when it comes to struggles with mental health. (And honestly this year, who hasn’t struggled with their mental health?!?) Somewhere in our lives, on our paths to adulthood, we got hit with these ideas… you know the ones… the ” You Should” thoughts. They tell us that in order to be considered an adult, or a success we “should” be doing xyz. And many of us, use these to beat ourselves up. I am just as guilty as the next person of banging my head against a wall covered in “shoulds”. These thoughts, usually crouched in the rhetoric of the rugged individualist, tell us that we should be able to handle everything on our own. We should work 40 hours a week, we should have a perfectly pristine house that took another 40 hours a week to clean, we should make time to exercise, we should have hobbies, we should have friends, we should make time to read, we should make time to volunteer, we should spend time with our families and we should go back to school to “better” our situation and we should push our own feelings and needs aside for those of others and we should work ourselves to death to keep up with the material wealth of others and we should be happy all the time and we should keep our problems to ourselves. WE SHOULD DO ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME.

I look at that list, and even just typing it I am EXHAUSTED! As I read that list of “shoulds” I feel buried, overwhelmed and I don’t know about anyone else but I already feel like a failure. I need rest, I need time away from people and I need to understand that while I am perfect as I am, I can’t be everything to everyone all the time. This week ( this is a warning for those who don’t want to deal with personal things- get out now while you’re ahead!) for me was that lovely time of the month , that all women go through, that we hardly talk about. Yep that’s right I am menstruating this week. This is always a difficult week for me, while I was at a job or in school it was especially difficult but I sucked it up- hid the pain of my cramps, carried extra pants and underwear and tampons ( for those of you clutching your pearls- I warned you!) with me, I pushed myself to make it through the day and usually passed out without eating the moment I got home. Right now, I am not currently working, except for my writing and hopefully soon doing some tarot reading, consultation or spiritual coaching appointments (yes it is a shameless plug- you can see the services I offer on the “Crafts of the Frith Wytch” page- please check it out when you finish reading). During this time of the month (I’m about to get more personal) I am constantly exhausted, I have cramps that feel like I am being turned inside out, both in my abdomen and in my back, I lack focus, it feels like I am staring at the world through a very long tunnel and being completely honest and open I am in the restroom every half hour because for me things are heavy. In the past I have done what I can to accommodate myself while meeting the requirements of an employer and ultimately my needs for a paycheck; and I probably will again in the future. But now, right now, this week I get to throw all those damn “shoulds” out the window and honor what my ancestors taught as wisdom and a sacred practice. I get to truly listen to what my body needs, what I need and allow myself to receive it. I use this example as a reason to throw the “shoulds” away because it is the place in which I am currently existing, but there are others as well, which include but are not limited to: depression, exhaustion, medical issues, emotional issues and being overwhelmed.

I know we all have responsibilities and basic needs that must be met, and it isn’t often we have the luxury to indulge in throwing out all of the “shoulds”, but we can certainly thin that list down to something more manageable. The first thing to do in banishing the “shoulds” is to write them all down; get them out of your head. Now next to each one I want you to list who told you, you should be doing this or why you think you should be doing this thing on your list. For instance my list may include things like:” You should be writing everyday, every spare minute you have, that’s what makes you a writer”- I don’t remember where exactly I read this, but it comes from another writers point of view, I believe that even though I can’t remember the source of this idea that the person who created it was an expert on writing because they had published a book; therefore they are the ones to define what a writer is in my life—Well, that doesn’t seem like I am listening to my own soul or honoring my own personal sovereignty, now does it?

I may also include something like: I should be cleaning my house everyday, so that it has a spotless and acceptable appearance.- My mother taught me to clean everyday, and was very concerned when she was younger about the appearance of her home (you could eat off her floors daily and we had pets!) I watched my mother do this and I always felt her life was very tiring, yet I feel like I “should” (there’s that word again!) hold myself to the same standards that she did.

Now that we have the source of our “shoulds. Let’s begin evaluating them .

“A writer should write everyday, every spare minute they should be writing”- unknown source- an external “expert”. When I sit with this statement for a few moments and let myself imagine that person and their life I picture a disheveled, frenzied obsessed person scribbling away on any scrap of paper they can get their hands on. This type of writing might work for some, but the obsessiveness this seems to imply is not an energy I want in my life- Maybe it’s time I define what a writer is for myself!

“You should clean your house everyday so that it is spotless”-learned behavior from emulating my Mother- As I said before, I always felt my mother was always tired and overworked, and what I really wanted was to spend time with her and see her get some rest. So maybe this ideal doesn’t fit in with my priorities, so why am I trying to hold myself to this standard? Maybe I should see what is an acceptable (and healthy- I am not condoning anyone foregoing cleaning altogether and endangering the health of themselves or those they may cohabitate with!) amount of cleaning to work into my schedule.

As you can see here, I evaluated the “shoulds” going through my head. I found that many times they come from external sources and not from my own inner guidance. In other words, I was replacing the “wisdom of experts” for the guidance I was receiving from my God Soul when it told me I was tired and I should rest. By taking the time to examine the where and the why of these beliefs I found areas I need to define for myself. In these cases I take time to perform a meditation I call the “still space” meditation. The easiest description is sitting in stillness and quietly contemplating how I feel about these things, and what may be a better expectation to place upon myself.

So for my examples I might say: A Writer is someone who writes, not necessarily everyday, they listen to their inner voice and write when they can but ultimately they honor their own self and their wisdom and seek to express it through the written word. An Adult makes sure that their house is a healthy environment without stressing over clutter too much unless it is interfering with their daily life. Ultimately, they honor their cycles, clean as they have the energy and rest when they need to. These are better expectations that allow for the days I just don’t have the energy AND encourage me to get the rest that I need. Now that I have these new definitions, I move onto the next step.

I return to the original list of “shoulds”- I read through them as well as the sources they came from. Then lighting a black candle I burn the list in a fire safe container (for me this is my cast iron cauldron) stating something along the lines of: (quick note about my spell work, I usually use words that are led by spirit for what is needed at the time- there are no pre-scripted spells in my practice and each spell is different.) “These things are expectations from outside of me! They do not come from the Frith I have with my God Soul and therefore do not serve my highest good. As this paper burns so they are banished from my thoughts. They have no power over me!” * A note on burning items in spells, please use common sense and do not leave burning items unattended and ensure that the container you are using is heat and fire proof. In all things safety first!*

Once the paper is completely burned I would perhaps take a small cup of water and pour it into the container as well. If you wish you can say something along the lines of: “Water, the life’s blood of Mother Earth, cleanse these things from my life! I am free!”

Put out the black candle and dispose of the ashy muddy substance outside of your home or down the drain. Each time you have a slip (we are all human, we will have these slip in unbidden even after banishing them) and think a thought like “I should be ….” take a moment to look for the source of it, if it is an external source say to yourself ” You are banished and you shall not re-enter my life! So it is and So it shall be!”

The more we banish external stressors or definitions of what we should be and begin to listen to our own inner voice, the greater our intuition and bond of Frith with our God Soul is, the more we begin to move within our own flow of energy. We begin to know who we truly are and what we truly want and can work to create that in our life. We also become kinder to ourselves and those around us. Deciphering where our internal negative self talk comes from we begin to create positive habits in our lives and this frees us to express our true authentic selves.

What “shoulds” are you bombarded with? How do you feel when you don’t live up to these “shoulds”? Would you expect anyone else to live up to all the “shoulds” that circle your mind and beat you up? What would be possible if you no longer lived under the attack of the dreaded “should”? Take a few minutes today to consider these questions and begin to examine the expectations you tell yourself you “should” live up to, if you feel moved to do so; banish them and pay attention to how you feel once you have taken back control from the “Should Monster”.

May you be blessed today reader with clarity and having your needs met, whatever they may be!