Unexpected Twists of Fate; Re-emergance

Back in October I put this blog and my other writing on hold, I took a break, as I got a full time position with the schedule I wanted, pay that was good and benefits. I threw myself into it and let other things fall by the wayside. As unexpectedly as that job fell into my lap, it unexpectedly went out of my life yesterday as well. I wan’t given a reason- I had no write ups, no counselings. I hadn’t missed a lot of work- they had talked me about needing to make a lot of corrections, but yesterday, I was called in my boss and told that it just wasn’t working; he didn’t want to go into details, because he didn’t think that it was his job to make me feel beat up about myself.- That wording in and of itself seems very strange to me, and made me question myself – and feel more beat up than if I would have been given reasons, however, I was not going to beg for my job or make a scene or demand answers, and so I left, as quickly as I got the job; it was gone.

There is a time for everything and life moves in cycles, I keep trying to remind myself of this. After spending yesterday afternoon and last night nurturing myself- a relaxing lavendar bath, a hellacious cry, unfortunately being a little snippy with people around me, and then sleeping and spending a day trying not to think about it; I find myself beginning to see the things that I had let go of- or set aside, as I threw myself into work (which I always do- I focus on a job when I have one- and I strive to do my best) I realized I hadn’t written here for months, my office and sanctuary was/ is in disarray, I haven’t meditated, or performed rituals or offerings because all of my energy was sapped by this job. I worked, I fed myself, I did dishes (sometimes) and I went to sleep- five days a week. Saturdays I usually slept or was a complete bum (unless my husband and I had a ride to go on) and Sundays I prepared to return to the office. Everything else was left to slide. Now I find myself with more time than I know what to do with.

When I was reeling from my shock at what had happened, a good friend of mine reminded me that I knew deep down that this is for a reason, even if I can’t see it yet. I am still not yet over the hurt- when you focus that much of your energy on something it hurts when it is no longer there to focus on. But I can see now that part of the reason may be that I was out of balance. I know there are other things at play and I am not sure what they are- those words I was left with from my previous boss had me evaluating who I am- why should I feel beat up about myself at all- either I didn’t perform up to their expectations (which were never clearly defined), or there is something about who I am that they didn’t resonate with. (I am currently of the mind that this is part of the issue- they had a persoal problem with me and that is why I was let go without being given a reason- logic is always by fall back and logic says if it was something I was doing wrong- there would have been something said and , as has been my experience in other jobs I would have been given a chance to correct it or improve- none of this happened.- That is not my failing.) So rational thought says it was something about my being- and quite honestly I don’t like the idea that it was a personal issue, but it is what it is. Despite those words bothering me- I have come to decide that the statement is ridiculous at best and insulting at worse. Outside of my performance at work- I have no care of what anyone thinks of me personally, work for me is not a social club and maybe that is my issue- but I believe I am there to do a job, not make friends. If I find people I like along the way (and there have been some very good friends I have made while at work) that’s great but that is not why I am there. I am there to perform the tasks I am given in the most efficient manner possible.

But I see I am rambling about things that don’t really matter other than to point out, that I shouldn’t feel “beat up about myself”- because they actually didn’t know who I was- all those things I let fall by the wayside- those are the real me- my writing, my spiritual practice, caring for my family and my home and working with the energies around me. Those are the work that are part of my very essence and I had set it aside to earn a pay check- Did it make paying the bills and doing things easier? Yes. Was that my focus? Yes. Do I feel a little at a loss and worried about finances right now? Of course- who wouldn’t? But is there a sense of relief and an urge to get back to myself? Absolutely. Was this job the job of my dreams? Hell no. Was it something I was passionate about? Not one Damn bit.

Writing working on the book and the spiritual work that goes along with it- those are things that I am passionate about. I feel more relaxed and energized sitting here writing this blog post than I have in months. – Now yes I am in a position where I do need to find another job, but I know now I need to curb my habit of completely immersing myself in it. I need to gain more balance. I need to keep some of the things I am passionate about as priorities. This is what I am working towards. And I hope those that have been with me since I started this blog are still there now that I have come back. I was away for a little while because I had a lesson to learn, before I could continue.

So this ending is a chance for me to have a new beginning… and though I may struggle with the uncertainty of what comes next- I am commiting to myself and to my readers that I will do my best not to get engulfed again in something so completely that I leave other parts of myself behind.